


the butterfly project | destiel

by gabedoesntcare



Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/F, F/M, John is a piece of shit, M/M, Soulmate AU, The Butterfly Project, dean has emotional problems, garth is a matchmaker, self harm awareness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-23
Updated: 2019-06-23
Packaged: 2020-05-18 11:13:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 15
Words: 18,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19333399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gabedoesntcare/pseuds/gabedoesntcare
Summary: in a world where everything your soulmate writes on their skin appears on yours, a young boy named dean winchester has been seeing butterflies appear all up and down his arms, on his thighs, and even on his stomach for years now.





	1. nightmare

_the butterfly project:_

_1) when you feel like you want to harm yourself, take a marker or pen and draw a butterfly instead._

_2) name the butterfly after a loved one, or someone that really wants you to get better._

_3) you must let the butterfly fade naturally. no scrubbing it off._

_4) if you hurt yourself before the butterfly is gone, you've killed it. if you don't, it lives._

_5) if you have more than one butterfly, self harm kills all of them._

_6) another person may draw butterflies on you. these butterflies are extra special. take good care of them._

_7) even if you don't self harm, feel free to draw a butterfly anyways to show your support. name it after someone you know who is suffering; it could help._

 

***

 

dean awoke in a start in the middle of a very cold fall night. he felt the familiar tingling sensation on his skin and sighed. he looked down to his thigh, where the feeling had occurred. sure enough, a bright blue butterfly was being artfully drawn onto his skin. he spoke, as if he were communicating to his soulmate through the doodle.

 

"what the hell are you doing up at 4 in the morning?" he said with a playful smile. obviously he received no answer, and bundled himself back up in the sheets and rolled over.

 

after trying to fall back asleep for about half an hour, he gave up and went downstairs for some coffee. he tread down the creaky steps as quietly as possible as to not wake his younger brother, sam. the coffee did as he thought it would and warmed him, with help from the blanket he still had cocooned tightly around his body. he watched as the sun eventually came up through the small window above the kitchen sink and thought about his dream he had that night.

 

he remembered... falling. into something deep, dark, and unknown. it was scary because he didn't know where he was going to land.

 

he tried not to think about it any longer and went to wake sam. after hearing a halfhearted "okay" through the door he was satisfied enough to go back downstairs and rinse out his coffee mug.

 

when he got dressed that morning he threw on extra layers that were definitely necessary after last night's cold front. over his plain short sleeved pocket tee, he had a flannel, a hoodie, and then his leather jacket. he smiled as he looked at the worn material in the mirror. he thought back to when his dad, john, had first given it to him. it was his best birthday present to date.

 

he fixed his hair with gel, threw on his boots with an extra pair of socks, and started back towards the kitchen. he saw sam dressed for school eating a bowl of cereal. as he passed behind the shorter boy he ruffled his hair.

 

"don't." sam whined as he tried to put the hair back in place.

 

"lighten up, sammy." was the only response.

 

he grabbed the keys from their spot by the door and headed out the door, his brother following clumsily behind.

 

"you ready for your first day of high school sammy?" sam fumbled with his reply.

 

"not really." he admitted. "you ready for your last first day of high school?"

 

"i couldn't care less. time isn't real anyways." the older boy said with a playful shrug.

 

"touché?" sam replied as more of a question than a statement.

 

they pulled up to the large school, the tall building towering over the impala. sam knitted his eyebrows together in worry. dean pretended not to notice, he didn't have enough energy to be concerned with sam. the kid was just going to have to figure it out. he was smart.

 

they both made their way through the parking lot together before parting ways to find their own friend groups.

 

"dean!" he heard a familiar voice shout from behind. he whipped around to see none other than jo, his lifelong best friend. his dad's friend bobby married jo's mom, ellen, and he and jo hit it off almost immediately. she ran towards him and he picks her up and squeezes her tightly, both of them laughing the whole time. he sets her down and beams.

 

"where have you been stranger? you didn't call or come over for the whole summer! you had me freaking the hell out!" dean's voice raised in pitch as he realized just how worried he had been about the blonde.

 

"i told you that i was gonna get grounded for failing biology!" she defended.

 

"for the whole summer?" his eyebrows raised.

 

"you know ellen better than anyone, dean. she's a strict woman."

 

"well yeah but i figured you would've ass-kissed your way out of the punishment."

 

"i tried! i think after bobby... you know... it's just been super hard on her. she's really tense and... over-protective."

 

dean nodded in understanding. bobby was ellen's soulmate. they had met way later in life than most soulmates do, but they were still in love. bobby got injured in an accident in his garage, leaving him paralyzed from the waist down. ellen was devastated, maybe even more so than bobby was. she felt some kind of guilt too, like it had been her fault even though it wasn't.

 

the bell rang for first period and they made their way to their respective classes, looking off schedules they had printed offline. dean had english first hour. he strolled down the hallway to mrs. macleod's room. once he was there, he picked a seat and plopped down into it, not recognizing anyone in this class. great, he thought to himself. this class is gonna be a bore.

 

he rolled up his sleeve to leave a message for his soulmate, whoever they may be. he pulled a sharpie out of his bag.

 

"god, i'm so bored." he wrote. "school sucks."

 

little did he know, that a dark haired boy with cerulean eyes was sitting across the room had rolled up his sleeve after feeling that all-too-familiar sensation. he saw the words and smiled faintly to himself, leaving a simple reply.

 

"i feel ya."


	2. notebook

dean smiled down at the reply that appeared on his skin. he looked at the small, neat cursive letters for so long that mrs. macleod called him out in front of the class.

 

"is your arm that much more interesting than my teaching, mr. winchester?"

 

dean's head snapped up and suddenly everyone was looking at him. he rolled down his sleeve. and felt heat rising to his cheeks.

 

"no ma'am." he mumbled without looking at her.

 

"good." she smiled. "then we can continue." she kept droning on for the rest of the class period about imaginary numbers until finally, the bell rang and the students were freed. dean rushed out and in his hurry, and dropped a green composition notebook in his wake. castiel, a scrawny kid with glasses in a blue zip-up hoodie, saw it on the ground and picked it up. he shrugged and quickly stuffed it into his bag as not to hold up the line of people trying to get out of the small classroom. he hurried off with the rest of the kids to lunch, where he met up with his best friend, charlie.

 

he saw her in line and walked up, pretending to ask her something, so he could cut in inconspicuously.

 

"hey charlie." he said. cracking an uncontrollable smile as he looked down to meet her gaze. she playfully punched his shoulder.

 

"hey baby daddy." cas rolled his eyes and laughed.

 

"someone's gonna hear you, think it's true, and start rumors." he replied as the line started inching forward. he played it off as a joke but there was something behind his eyes  that reflected his anxiety.

 

"oh, you worry too much."

 

they finally got their food and went to sit down, and that's when castiel pulled out the green notebook he had been toting around.

 

"i found this, someone dropped it in english." he flipped it over to see some chicken scratch sharpie reading 'dean winchester'. castiel instinctively reached up to touch the name as he repeated them out loud.

 

"oh-!" charlie said excitedly through a mouthful of food. "i know that guy! that's jo's best friend."

 

cas nodded his head. charlie and jo had been dating for a couple months, despite not being soulmates. she claimed that she wasn't going to put her life on hold for someone that she might not meet until she's 80. cas always respected this. he assumed jo had the same mentality.

 

"maybe you should have her give it to him." he handed the notebook over, but she pushed it back.

 

"why don't you just go give it to him?" she pointed to a table near them, but not right next to them. "he's the one with the sandy hair and the leather jacket." cas followed her gesture and recognized him almost immediately. he was the one that got called out in class that day. cas snorted.

 

"you're shitting me. there's no way i'm getting up and walking over to a table full of jocks to give return a damn notebook."

 

"oh come on!" charlie persuaded. "i'll go with you!"

 

the boy sighed. "fine, but we're waiting to ambush him until he's mostly alone." charlie nodded in agreement before diverting her attention back to her burger.

 

after a while, most of dean's friends had left to go hang around for the rest of the free period, spare three kids at the other side of his table. he didn't seem involved in their conversation though. castiel nudged charlie.

 

"it's time." he said dramatically. he looked over to charlie with a smirk and adjusted his glasses. she smiled back.

 

he picked up the notebook and quickly stood up, only to let charlie take the lead in the end. joking aside, he really didn't like talking to people.

 

"hey." charlie approached dean and he looked up at her.

 

"hey!" he smiled crookedly, his bright white teeth making cas feel self conscious about his slightly yellowed ones. "you're uh, charlie right? jo's girl?"

 

"yup!" charlie smiled proudly before stepping back and giving cas more of the attention. "anyways, my pal here picked up a notebook of yours that you dropped and wanted to return it." castiel shuffled forward and held out the green notebook, keeping his eyes off of dean's. dean seemed to take this as a challenge and bent down to purposefully meet the smaller boy's eyes.

 

"hey, thanks man, i was looking for this." his eyes showed sincerity and castiel noticed how bright his evergreen orbs were. he looked up so dean could straighten himself and nodded, feeling a sudden surge of confidence.

 

"no problem really. it's what any decent person would do." dean grinned wider and it sent a warmth through castiel's body.

 

suddenly, dean's expression turned serious. "you didn't read it, did you?" castiel sputtered.

 

"w-what? no, i, uh-"

 

"i'm just messing with you pal. it's only my spanish notes." dean broke back out into his usual smile. he gave cas a pat on the shoulder, which left electricity surging through his veins. "what's your name by the way?"

 

"castiel." he said, still flustered. dean nodded approvingly.

 

"i like that name." he stood to leave. "i'll see you around, cas." and suddenly, castiel was alone. he realized that not even charlie was by his side. he searched around for her and finally spotted her across the cafeteria, taking selfies with jo.

 

he wished he had something like that.


	3. thinking

castiel sat up late that night. he wasn't feeling very good. he had a weight pressing down on his chest that he felt he needed to release. then he thought back to what charlie showed him all those years ago. when he was a small twelve year old, so terrified of his own feelings. she came to him in his darkest times, like some sort of angel, and showed him a way to cope.

 

he thought back to the butterfly project.

 

he quickly fumbled with his package of markers in a hurry to get them out. he decided to go with bright colors this time. red and orange. he went bent over his thigh and started outlining the butterfly, making sure the wings had a special geometrical shape to them to make them spunky. after he spent a good while on this butterfly, he felt a little better. even though the rules for the butterfly project said you should name all your butterflies, he usually didn't. but this one was special. he delicately wrote "charles" right under it; charlie's dumb nickname. he would call her charles and she'd call him cassandra. it was their thing. he smiled down at his creation and sighed. it felt good. he was officially 3 months clean from self harm. he looked down to all the different faded butterflies on his legs and stomach and smiled. he never drew on his arms because he thought it was too obvious. he felt like someone would know what's up.

 

dean was up late that night anyway studying. he felt his leg protest at the weird feeling and quickly unbuttoned his jeans and pull them down to see whatever his soulmate was drawing this time.

 

he already guessed it was a butterfly. his soulmate had always drawn butterflies, since dean was in middle school. he didn't know what it was about; why they did it. maybe they just really liked butterflies. he was excited about it nonetheless. he took his reading glasses off his face.

 

he saw the bright red butterfly with pointed wings and smiled. it was beautiful, as always. he tilted his head when he realized they were writing something underneath.

 

"charles."

 

dean snickered. funny name for a butterfly.

 

once he realized the piece was done he pulled his jeans back up to his hips and buttoned them, and once again turned his attention to the book report he was supposed to write over the summer but didn't. luckily, his teacher was lenient and was giving him a few more days to get it done. he really had to pound it out though in order to both read a book and come up with three pages of writing in just a short couple of days. he sighed and looked over at the digital clock he had next to his bed. it read 2:43, and he realized he would probably be up all night. he groaned, head in his hands, before walking downstairs to fix a pot of coffee.

 

as the early morning hours dragged on relentlessly, dean was left to think about the boy he had met, castiel.

 

he was adorable. dean smiled and turned scarlet when he thought of the way he met castiel's gaze because he was so shy. or the way the boy stuttered when dean "confronted" him about reading his notebook. he thought about charlie and jo, and about how even though they weren't soulmates, they still dated. he thought it was a bold move. it was really uncommon for people to date anyone who's not their soulmate. hookups were one thing, but being in a relationship with someone not meant for you has always been a bit frowned upon. but they did it anyways.

 

his train of thought once again pulled into a station with castiel's name. he really did think the boy was cute. " _maybe_ ", he thought. " _maybe i could pursue him, and we could have a relationship like charlie and jo_." he smiled at the thought. he just hoped cas wouldn't be opposed to it.

 

well, there's only one way to find out.


	4. project

to castiel's fortune, a few days passed quite uneventfully. school went by as usual, as did his home life.

 

then one day, in dreaded mrs. macleod's class, they were assigned projects which they had to have partners on. castiel audibly groaned, not caring if anyone heard him and was offended. he pulled his hoodie over his face and laid his head on the desk. he hardly knew anyone in the class, so this was bound to be hell no matter who he was partnered with.

 

"castiel..." the teacher's thick irish accent rang across the room and his snapped his head up. "you will be partners with dean winchester." castiel looked over to where dean was sitting. the lighter haired boy was absolutely beaming. castiel was torn. he liked being around dean because it was pretty obvious he was crushing on him hardcore, but dean left him so flustered that there was no way he'd be able to get any work done. he realized he was still staring at dean when he saw his smile falter, and his face immediately flushed as he looked back down. he sighed.

 

after the teacher was done assigning partners, she started writing the actual project on the board. she spoke as the dry erase marker squeaked against the material.

 

"each group will either make a song, a video, or a poster on a topic of their choosing. be it a religious one, a political one, or just something completely random." from across the room someone yelled that they were going to do their project over a banana and the class erupted in light chuckles. "and that's completely fine." she continued, not skipping a beat. "since it's the start of the year i wanted to be more lenient on the rules. the project is due at the end of the semester, and we'll work on it in class two days out of the week." she started scribbling guidelines on the board as chairs started screeching against the tile to move groups together. castiel started to zone out and was startled when he heard the loud thump of a desk in front of him.

 

"mind if i sit?"

 

"not at all." castiel said with a look on nonchalance. he leaned back in his chair and started playing with his pencil in one hand. dean placed his desk to where it was facing castiel's and sat down.

 

"so." the leather-clad boy started. "what's the plan?"

 

~

 

castiel hadn't expected dean to let him take the lead like he did. he didn't stereotype the guy to be a follower. nevertheless, castiel was glad he had control. he actually really loved working on projects like these, and he was excited for his idea. until dean shot it down, that is.

 

"what do you mean we can't do a song or commercial?" the smaller boy's voice was raising in pitch.

 

"i _mean_ " dean was obviously getting frustrated. they had been arguing for nearly 25 minutes without making any progress. "i'm _not_ making a song, and if we do a video, you're on your own. i'll be the cameraman." castiel sighed.

 

"the teacher said both participants had to be in the video."

 

"welp, looks like we've only got one option huh?" dean leaned back in his chair, a smirk playing at his lips.

 

"why are you being so stubborn about this?"

 

"because i would rather die than stand in front of the class and sing or present something. it's embarrassing."

 

"what, too feminine for you? is it really that hard to give up your toxic masculinity for a few minutes? too worried you'll ruin your reputation?" castiel spat. cas leaned forward in his chair a bit, rage burning his retinas. and dean looked offended.

 

dean's eyebrows were furrowed together in confusion, and hurt was obvious in his eyes. "is that really what you think?" he said almost inaudibly. "you don't even know me." he spat back as the hurt morphed into anger. just then, the bell rang, and castiel quickly gathered his things and stormed out of the classroom.

 

at lunch, castiel was joined at his lunch table he shared with only charlie (and sometimes jo) by a new guest. he was a small, skinny dude. kinda mousey with dark hair and goofy proportions. at first castiel didn't care. people who didn't have anywhere to sit often sat at his table since it's mostly unoccupied, and they usually ate in silence until said person found a different group to sit with. but this kid started speaking.

 

"hey. i'm garth."

 

castiel looked over at charlie before swallowing his bite of food and meeting eyes with the stranger.

 

"uh. hi garth?" he raised his eyebrows.

 

"i'm in your english class... i saw you and dean working together." castiel's mind immediately went to the most pessimistic of places, and he decided he didn't have time for this nonsense.

 

"look pal, i get he's popular and all, but you don't have any right to-"

 

"no, no!" garth cut him off. "i just wanted to ask you what happened! dean has been acting all pouty since that class. and he was fine beforehand. i just wanted to know if anything went wrong, so i can try and make it right." castiel tilted his head at the comment, not understanding why dean would be upset. they had an argument, but lots of people have arguments. especially when they have to work together. was it something he said?

 

"i um, might have upset him." castiel looked down at his hands, deliberating. he felt charlie's glare on the side of his head but didn't dare meet it.

 

"i see." garth narrowed his eyes and nodded. "i guess i'll leave you two to sort it out then." he said before abruptly getting up to return to his normal table. castiel didn't have an opportunity to ignore charlie now.

 

"what the hell was that about?" the redhead questioned. castiel sighed, finally looked at her.

 

"i told dean he was full of himself and _apparently_ he's upset." charlie and castiel sat in silence for a beat before charlie snorted with laughter.

 

"are you serious cas?" castiel looked at her with disbelief before she continued. "of course you upset him." she reached over to take his hand, understanding flashing through her expression. "you need to apologize." castiel shrugged her off, not quite ready to apologize. she pursed her lips into a thin line, signaling that the conversation was over.


	5. apologies

the next day, castiel walked into english with an uncomfortable feeling in his chest. he knew dean was mad at him still. he didn't know how he knew, but he knew. he could feel it in the air that something just wasn't right and honestly, he didn't think it would bother him as much as it did. he plopped down in his seat, silently hoping that dean would plunk his seat down in front of him again like yesterday and they could pretend nothing happened. he wasn't so lucky.

 

dean was sitting across the room silently brooding. when everyone else moved their desks together he simply sat stationary. he felt castiel's eyes on him but he convinced himself he didn't care. he hated the fact that the boy had made assumptions about him so soon. he had higher hopes than that. he suddenly understood that it probably wouldn't ever work out between them. he sighed and realized that there was no getting out of this project with the boy he didn't like, but he just needed a day to cool off. just one day.

 

they didn't share a word for the whole class period, and either the teacher didn't notice or she just didn't care.

 

after the bell rang and they were released for lunch, castiel made the decision to apologize to dean. he really did take a liking to the boy, and he knew deep down that he stepped out of line when he made those comments. he walked into the cafeteria and his eyes trailed over dean's usual table. after not much effort he found who he was looking for.

 

"hey garth." he caught him while everyone else was in line for food and for that he was grateful. garth gave him a warm smile and castiel had to admit that it made him feel a little better. "if someone wanted to..." cas began nervously. "um, apologize to dean. how would they go about that." garth gave him a look of understanding.

 

"get him a burger. the man loves burgers." garth laughed lightly. "oh! and some pie. he might literally marry you though so be careful." castiel ignored the blush that rose to his cheeks and nodded. he thanked garth and walked to catch up with charlie in the lunch line, a new air of confidence surrounding him. he would fix things with his crush.

 

~

 

the rest of the day passed, and a night, and another awkward english class before cas got to execute his plan. he walked out into the parking lot when the lunch bell rang, the sun glaring off his glasses. he pulled out his pass, prepared to show it to any staff that tried to stop him but no one did. he got into his car and pulled out onto the road. he made his way to a restaurant called the roadhouse that he learned from garth was dean's favorite. charlie offered to come with him but he declined, jo was sitting with her today and he didn't want to take her away from that. he walked into the restaurant that he soon learned was actually partially a bar as well and made his order. the woman who helped him was blonde and actually looked a bit like an older version of jo. he grabbed the bag of greasy food, thanked the woman, and made his way back to the school.

 

while cas was out getting dean a burger, dean was chatting up a girl he had been talking to. her name was lisa and dean had been flirting with her for a little while now. she had long dark curly hair and tan skin. a nice figure, too. she was sitting next to him at lunch, obviously flirting by the way she laughed at nearly everything he said and went out of her way to touch him at every available opportunity. dean was eating up the attention, happy to get his mind off things for a little while. suddenly, he looked up to meet her eyes and was met with a pair of lips against his own instead. he was taken aback.

 

"whoa, what?" he said, breaking the short kiss. lisa looked shyly down at her lap before she responded.

 

"i... i know we're not soulmates." she said. "i already tested it myself." she showed dean the back of her arm where she had drawn a simple, thick line with a sharpie. dean looked down to his own arm and saw it was blank. he wasn't disappointed, he already figured lisa wasn't his soulmate. she didn't seem like the butterfly type.

 

"but." she continued, meeting dean's gaze. "it's 2018. lots of people are dating without being soulmates. we can be happy together and not be soulmates, dean. be my boyfriend." dean met her gaze, considering this for a moment. he liked her, that was for sure. she was pretty and sweet, but not a pushover. dean always liked brunettes. he shrugged before placing a gentle hand on her thigh and squeezing.

 

"okay." he said. they smiled at each other and it felt sincere enough, but dean couldn't shake the feeling that he was making some kind of mistake. like a guilty pit in the bottom of his abdomen.

 

"hello, dean." he heard a gravelly voice behind him and turned around to see castiel. to his surprise, everyone else at his table had left for their free period. lisa blushed and clumsily grabbed her things to leave as well, as if they had been caught doing something forbidden. dean wasn't pleased to be interrupted by someone he didn't exactly like at the moment. luckily, lisa reached down to kiss dean's cheek before she left and it skyrocketed his mood. this took cas aback, but he didn't have enough time to think through it before dean was talking.

 

"what is it?" he asked, only leaving a little bit of a harsh undertone to his words. castiel looked like he was suddenly pulled out of a daze. he suddenly remembered why he was there and brought the sack of food out from behind his back and showed it to dean with a gummy smile. dean's eyes widened.

 

"please accept this sandwich as a gesture of solidarity." castiel said. dean took the paper sack and rummaged through it. cas continued speaking. "i apologize for my behavior. i shouldn't have acted like that." dean looked up and smiled at the dark haired boy warmly. earning his forgiveness proved easy, just like garth said. dean then must have noticed the pie.

 

"dude you got pie? shit, thank you!" dean stood up and suddenly cas found himself wrapped in an embrace. "i accept your apology. i was out of line too." he said more seriously. castiel stuck his hand out after they broke apart from the short hug.

 

"friends?" he proposed.

 

"friends." dean assured and shook his hand firmly before they starting making their way out of the cafeteria. castiel stole glaces at dean while he took bites out of the food and he tried not to think of the way his calloused hands felt. he admitted to himself that the man was adorable with crumbs all over his face.


	6. wounds

dean and castiel both were immensely relieved after they had made up. not only did they finally start working on their project, but the air around them just seemed lighter, as if the world had stopped turning for a while and now it was back at full force. they shared smiles and jokes, and castiel soon realized that he hadn't thought about self harm in a long time. he didn't even really draw butterflies anymore, at least not for that reason. sometimes he just did it because they looked pretty on his pale skin.

 

 

dean wasn't doing so great at home. john was back, and when john came back things were a lot more uptight than usual. he and sam had to make sure and be in bed at a specific time, dean had to have dinner ready at a specific time, they had to leave for school at a specific time. everything was on a tight-knit schedule that the boys absolutely despised. dean wanted to blame it on john's military experience, but he knew it was more than that and sam did too.

 

their mother had been missing for more than 5 years now.

 

dean vividly remembered the last time he had spoken with her; the last time she had spoken with anyone. he called her because he needed to be picked up from wrestling practice. she had said "okay dee, i'll be there soon." and hung up. and that was the last time anyone had ever heard from her again.

 

dean felt guilty, of course. he felt like it was all his fault that she had seemingly vanished in thin air. sometimes he held out hope that she might still be alive, but he always made sure to crush that dream before it wandered too far. he knew that if she was abducted, whoever did it would've killed her a long time ago. his stomach wrenched at the thought, he always hated that feeling. that bitter, cold, disgusting feeling he got when he thought about her possible whereabouts. the police had given up long ago, it was actually quite the hassle to get them to start up the search in the first place since she was an adult and all. but she wasn't the running type, everyone who knew her knew that.

 

dean tried to stop thinking about it as he walked up to the front door, his floppy haired brother in tow. he saw his dad's car in the driveway and immediately knew what they were in for. john never hit them but since mary had disappeared he definitely hadn't been father of the year. he never explicitly told dean it was his fault, but he never assured him that it wasn't either. dean had to learn how to sort out his own feelings, and for the most part he did. he coped with the loss of his mother and took on that maternal role for sam. john however, didn't do well losing his soulmate. he ran from his problems, quite literally. at first he would just stay in his room, dean and sam's only reassurance that he was still alive was the occasional flush of the toilet that they could hear through the walls. those were some of dean's toughest moments, when he needed his father the most, he wasn't there. he had sam though, and sam had him, and he couldn't deny that they were closer than they ever would have been if they had continued their 'normal' lives. after john got back on his feet, he would start leaving for weeks at a time. at first he'd leave notes for the boys saying that he was just going out of town for a while, but soon he stopped writing them and soon dean and sam stopped caring. each time john came home from a trip, he was significantly grumpier than he had been before.

 

they walked in to find john on the couch watching tv, a beer in hand.

 

"where've y'all been?" he grumbled, not looking away from the football game on the television.

 

"school." dean said, as politely as he could muster. john harrumphed a reply and was silent, and dean was grateful. he slid into the kitchen and started cooking, luckily he had the recipe for a macaroni casserole he had been wanting to try out. he got his ingredients together and started cooking, silently praying to whatever force was in control of the universe that john would be in a good mood. sam had already snuck up to his room, knowing well to stay away from john when he was home. just their mere presence seemed to irritate him. after about two hours of slaving other the stove dean finally called his family to supper. he was still taking off his oven mitts when sam ran into the kitchen, took a plate of food, and tried to make his way back to his room.

 

"hey!" john barked, making dean flinch. a wide eyed sammy whipped his head around from where he stood at the bottom of the stairs. "get back in here, kid. we're eating like a real family." dean didn't like the way he said 'kid' as if he could be referring to anyone. john still acknowledged them as his kids... right?

 

sam made his way slowly and cautiously back the table. dean sighed and took his plate there as well. he soon realized this was a big mistake.

 

"don't you huff like that me me, boy." john nearly growled. dean was caught off guard, john had now actually reached the point he was unhappy with the way dean _breathed_ of all things. dean furrowed his brows at the man, getting pretty fed up with how unpredictable he was all the time. all his pent up anger had suddenly started to come out, and before he could stop it he had thrown a plate to the floor with a loud crash, all the while glaring holes into john's eyes. john glared right back though, and stood up from where he sat, leaning his hands on the table to try and intimidate dean and get closer.

 

"clean that shit up. _now_ , boy." the rude tone of voice only fueled dean's anger.

 

"and what if i don't?" he spat venomously. sam watched with wide eyes, slowly backing away from where the staring contest was going down.

 

john suddenly and without warning backed up and slammed his fist on the table. "i am so sick of you two being so goddamn ungrateful all the time!" he shouted, dean was sure the neighbors could hear but he didn't care. john's words filled him with so much disbelief that he couldn't keep his mouth shut.

 

" _ungrateful_!?" he said incredulously. "we have done nothing but be perfect little children our whole lives, dad! and you have the audacity to call us ungrateful? we tiptoe around you, make sure you always have food on your plate and try not to get in your way, and you're gonna sit there and call us ungrateful?" dean could tell he was only angering john more, so he stopped and waited for a reply. instead he was met with a hard slap across the cheek.

 

dean held his cheek and slowly turned to face john again. the older man's hand was still in the air where it had been after he struck dean, and his eyes were widened in disbelief. he met dean's eyes and it was immediately clear that the hurt in them wasn't physical. dean's eyes started to water.

 

"get. the. hell. out." dean said through gritted teeth, he noticed sam had now moved behind him and dean put an arm out protectively. "never come back." dean added. john sputtered.

 

"don't try to argue." dean hissed. "get out and never come back, or i swear i'll kill you." john saw the truth behind his son's words and was doubtlessly scared. he kept up the facade though, and grabbed his keys and stormed out, the door slam he left echoing throughout their small house.

 

it took a few minutes for the realization to set in for the boys. to dean it felt like a dream, like he had just imagined all of it and that he would walk the corner to the living room and see john watching the football game again, he would pass a mirror and not see the red mark on his cheek that was there. but that wasn't the case, he soon found out.

 

sam was the one that brought him back to reality. dean heard his shallow breaths grow more frantic, panicked, and he immediately turned to comfort the oncoming panic attack he had dealt with so many times before with his little brother. he crouched and pulled sam into his arms, the stiff boy softening at the gesture, his breathing starting to slow back to a normal pace. he felt him crumple in his arms and it took all of dean's willpower not to crumple too. he rubbed the back of sam's head, allowing himself to shed a few tears since sam couldn't technically see his face. he talked words of comfort.

 

"it's okay, sammy. we'll call bobby and everything will be alright. bobby will know what to do. everything will be alright." he repeated that last line more to himself but sam didn't notice, he just sobbed more into his shoulder and dean let him, not daring to let go of his only rock.


	7. difference

bobby's house was much different than theirs, and as they were both working on packing boxes from their rooms, the weight of what was going on really settled on dean. this was a permanent change. they were leaving this house and most likely not coming back.

 

at first dean didn't understand why he and sam couldn't just stay there. bobby seemed appalled at the idea and said something along the lines of "you're still a kid. you don't need to be worrying about bills and taking care of sam." dean accepted this answer and thought it over for some time.

 

as he packed up the last of his things he looked over to the worn leather jacket that he laid on the bed. it's crumpled,empty, lifeless form pretty similar to the way he was feeling now. he thought back to when dad had given him that jacket, saying something akin to 'take good care of it boy'. he remembered showing his mom excitedly and he remembered her laugh, clear as day even after all these years. he reminisced back on the times when they were one big, happy family and he missed it. even though it was gone a long time ago, moving out seemed to set it in stone even more. like he was really forcing himself to say goodbye.

 

and so he did, and he left that jacket right where it laid as he carried out the last box of his things, shutting the door behind him.

 

~

 

castiel hadn't seen dean at school the past two days, and it worried him. he knew it was stupid to be worried about a person he didn't really know all too personally but dean had always showed up to school. ever since they met he hasn't been gone a single day.

 

another strange thing was that he had woken up the previous morning with a pretty nasty bruise on his cheek, and he genuinely had no clue where it could've come from. he woke up in bed, so he scratched falling off the bed off the metaphorical list. no one had hit him, at least not that he knew of. how could someone hit you without you knowing? the bruise didn't even hurt, but the colors were clear as day. charlie noticed when he went to school that day and luckily helped him cover it up with makeup, even gave him some concealer to take home and use. he thanked her gratefully, the last thing he wanted was people asking questions that he didn't know the answer to.

 

cas felt one of his depressive episodes coming on and he knew charlie could tell. his movements felt slower, sluggish, and he always had a headache. he started losing the motivation to tame his wild hair, and the usual jeans he wore were replaced with sweats. charlie being the loyal friend she was stayed by his side the entire time, but he knew that soon he wouldn't even be able to come out of his room, and not even charlie would be able to help it. they were always well prepared, charlie would get all his work from school and take it to him so he wouldn't fall behind. but it was still hard on the boy, especially since he had no way of predicting when they would come. he hadn't thought of self harm in a long time but now it was pricking the back of his mind like an old friend. he knew what to do though. he always knew what to do.

 

when dean came back to school he was different. cas couldn't put his finger on it, but he knew there was something. the first thing he noticed is that the leather jacket that he always wore was nowhere to be found. it had been replaced by a simple gray hoodie. also jo was following closely by his side the whole day, making sure he wasn't bothered by anyone.

 

english class rolled around and the second thing cas noticed was that dean had a big bruise on the same cheek that cas did. dean's hood was pulled over his head making it somewhat hard to see but castiel was almost sure of it. he thought it was strange at best. dean sat at his usual spot in front of cas and the silence that followed was deafening.

 

"what's wro-" the dark haired boy started to ask, but he was cut off by dean putting his hand up. there was no malice or rudeness behind the gesture, dean just seemed... tired. exhausted. and cas understood that better than anyone. so he pulled out his notebook and started keeping himself busy. he didn't mind taking a break that day if it was for dean's mental health. he decided he'd sketch the other man to try and cheer him up. he pushed his glassed further onto his nose and got to work.

 

cas leaned back in his hair and pulled the notebook closer to him, making sure dean couldn't see. time ticked by pretty quickly after that, and when the bell rang cas stopped dean before he could leave and showed him the sketch.in it, dean was with lisa as happy as ever. castiel's art style wasn't exactly realistic, it was quite geometrical and had sharp lines and edges. the couple was sitting at a picnic table, both of them wore eye-creasing smiles. lisa had her hands resting on the table and dean had his fist holding up his chin. everything about it seemed so natural and... perfect.

 

"can i keep it?" dean asked huskily and cas didn't hesitate before ripping it off the spiral and handing it to him. dean gave him a small half-hug and thanked him. it seemed cas's plan of brightening up his day had worked. he hoped that whatever dean was going through worked itself out soon.

 

he couldn't deny the fact that thinking of dean with lisa sent a pang of jealousy through his chest, but he did his best to ignore it. dean deserved to be happy and he was content with just being friends with him. since they weren't soulmates it was almost ridiculous of him to think there would be anything more between them, so cas decided he deserved whatever the universe threw at him for getting his hopes up like that.

 

but this conclusion didn't sit quite right with him.


	8. doubt

rumors of a party circulated the high school like a predator circling its prey, or at least that's what castiel thought. he didn't want to go, but he knew there was no point in voicing this because charlie would make him anyway. as if on cue, the redhead seated herself next to cas at lunch and the first sentence out of her mouth was about the party.

 

"are you excited about the party tomorrow night?" she asked happily. castiel let out a grunt of disagreement. "oh come on." she clapped his shoulder. "it'll be fun! you know it's at dean winchester's house right?" cas actually didn't know this, but he kept his expression neutral. he thanked god for his impeccable poker face as he shrugged nonchalantly.

 

"so? doesn't change the fact that i don't want to go. and it doesn't change the fact that you're gonna make me anyway." charlie looked at him with understanding and sympathy.

 

"cas..." she started softly as she put a reassuring hand on his forearm. "i'm not gonna make you. i know how you've been feeling lately so i won't force you. i'll just... strongly encourage it." she laughed lightly and went back to her food.

 

the rest of the day passed and more immature gossip ensued. the hallways were packed with teenage gossip, and a particular group of freshman girls caught castiel's attention.

 

"did you hear? dean winchester is throwing a party!"

 

"wait really? fuck, we have to go. he's hot."

 

"yeah but don't get your hopes up, he's with lisa braeden."

 

"that sexy senior chick? damn it!" they burst into laughter.

 

"we're going anyways. i know he's taken, but first off, rumor has it they're not soulmates. second, just being near him is awesome. nothing has to happen. we're going." she said that last sentence very determinedly and the other girls mumbled in agreement. castiel couldn't help but laugh a little to himself as he walked away.

 

~

 

dean was sitting at the roadhouse with jo after school that day, and the stern look on her face was definitely something to fear. he knew he didn't have to tell her himself, that all the rumors at school would be hard to ignore. he was just grateful she waited until after school to confront him about it. this conversation would be a lot more embarrassing in front of more people.

 

"you're throwing a party?" she asked in bitter disbelief. dean nodded his head.

 

"yeah. you coming?" he let a playful smirk slip onto his lips and that only made jo even angrier. she didn't even acknowledge his words as she continued yelling.

 

"not in my house you're not! you know if bobby and ellen catch you, they'll be so pis-"

 

 

"shut up, jo." dean cut her off. "i'm throwing it at my dad's house." he took a long sip of his water to keep his mouth busy for a few seconds.

 

"why the hell would you do that?" she asked, furrowing her brow. dean took a minute before replying.

 

"because he'll be out of town and i don't think just kicking him out of his house is enough. i wanna trash up the place real good too." they sat in silence for a while before jo spoke up again, this time her tone soft and pleading. a large contrast from her harsh words before.

 

"dean... i really don't think that's a good idea." dean narrowed his eyes at her. "i think you have a lot of pent-up anger you need to deal with before you go around making decisions like this." she placed a hand on his but he snatched it away.

 

"you don't know anything." he said coldly. as if on cue, ellen rounded the corner and tossed an apron at jo.

 

"time to get to work." she said and threw a kind smile at dean. the young blonde slowly got up and started to leave, before turning around and saying one last sentence rather slowly.

 

"this is gonna bite you in the ass. i can feel it." she didn't really meet his eyes as she spoke and she turned back to put the apron on and start working. dean got up, knocking his glass into the floor on his way. he stormed out of the restaurant, fists clenched before he made his way home. to bobby's home. his fake home.

 

~

 

dean crawled into bed and kicked his shoes off in one motion, the cold unfamiliar feeling of the mattress doing nothing to comfort him. he let a tear slip from his eye before wiping it away harshly. there was no reason to cry, he told himself. his thoughts were interrupted by a ding from his phone.

 

 **lisa <3**: hey hon. i don't want to bother you but you seem to be distant lately, and you didn't really give an explanation when you didn't show up to school for two days. what's going on?

 

dean sighed and let his head roll back to look at the ceiling as he tried to think of something to say. should he lie? should he tell the truth?

 

he started typing out a long ass message. it explained everything he was going through. from his mom's disappearance and the guilt he felt from it, to the fight with his dad and the way he so coldly made him leave. and fuck, it felt good. he didn't even realize he was crying until a drop of moisture fell onto the screen. he wiped it away with the hem of his t shirt and sighed. he couldn't send this. he knew he couldn't. he double tapped the text before hitting 'select all' and then 'delete'. he tried again.

 

 **you** : hey babe. i'm fine, really. my dad pulled me out of school to help him around the house. and i'm sorry for being distant, the stress of school is just a bit overwhelming sometimes. that's why i'm throwing the party tomorrow, so i can unwind. you'll be there right?

 

 **lisa <3**: yeah, i'll be there. can't wait!

 

dean sadly smiled at his phone, at all the lies he just fed this woman he was supposed to be committed to. was this really the way it was supposed to be? so many questions circled through his mind as he fell back on the bed, the squeaky springs groaning under his weight. something wasn't right and it was making his head spin. maybe what jo said wasn't that far off from the truth.


	9. party

castiel really wasn't planning on going.

 

but walking home from school with charlie, listening to her talk about what outfit to wear or what kind of alcohol to bring, it sparked something in him. why the hell shouldn't he go? there was nothing to lose. he voiced this to charlie and she hugged him excitedly.

 

he listened to her rambling all the way until they reached the front door. just as he was about to unlock it, it disappeared. he looked up to see who opened it and was met with burgundy hair and big doe eyes.

 

"anna!" he yelled and immediately went in for a hug. "you're home!" charlie couldn't see his face, but she heard the smile in his voice. she saw this female stranger's face, eyes closed, peaceful and happy while embracing castiel. and she couldn't seem to look away.

 

"yeah. i'm on break so i thought i'd come by and surprise you and mikey." she stepped back from the hug to get a good look at him and ruffled his hair. "facial hair?" she questioned. cas self consciously reached up to touch his stubble and shrugged.

 

"haven't had the time to shave." she laughed and drug him into the house, charlie following shyly behind. castiel seemed to catch wind of charlie's nervousness and threw an arm around her before introducing the two. "anna, this is my best friend charlie." charlie smiled proudly. "charlie, this is my sister anna. she's visiting from college." anna stuck out a hand for charlie to shake and they did.

 

they chatted in the living room for a while, cas and charlie sitting on the couch while anna sat in a nearby recliner. they talked about college, about high school, about love interests. and the air between them seemed light and fresh and happy. it revived castiel, made him feel better, even if it was temporary.

 

"where's gabe?" anna asked. castiel responded with an eye roll.

 

gabriel was their cousin that visited pretty often. "out. he's been pretty wild ever since he got his license." anna nodded understandingly.

 

"well, i've got to see him before i leave." the redhead moved a piece of hair out of her face as castiel scoffed at her words.

 

"good luck with that. i haven't seen him lately and we live in the same town." laughter filled the room and everyone basked in it. soon though, it was time to get ready for the party.

 

"hey cas." charlie said and gestured to her wrist as if she had a watch there.

 

"oh! right. anna, i hate to cut this short but we have to get ready for a party tonight. how long are you in town for?"

 

"through tuesday!" anna chirped happily. "come and get me when you're ready, i'll drive you."

 

cas and charlie made their way up the stairs to cas's room. as soon as they were in there charlie collapsed onto the bed, earning a confused look from her friend.

 

"dude," she breathed, not looking away from the ceiling. "your sister is HOT."

 

~

 

dean got into the impala with lisa, gave sam a wave goodbye, and drove straight to his dad's house. he got there and he and his girlfriend helped set up the drinks, the food, and the music. they had even bought black light bulbs to replace the regular ones. after everything was ready, he grabbed lisa by the waist and brought her onto the dance floor. she laughed and they swayed to the beat of some melancholy song, and it was fun but it wasn't everything it was supposed to be. he could tell, and by the look on her face lisa could tell too, but both of them remained silent and decided to live in the present rather than the future. he pressed a chaste kiss on her lips and she pressed her face into his chest, both enjoying the comforting presence of the other.

 

the song ended and people started arriving as if on cue. he laughed and grabbed a drink, getting a start to the long night early. he turned the music up and downed his beer in one go, earning a hoot from one of the boys that had arrived. he greeted people at the door, making sure everyone knew where the bathroom was and where the kitchen was for food. he found lisa again and snaked an arm around her waist.

 

the first hour of the party was without incident, he spotted cas and charlie come through the door and gave them a goofy wave, charlie waved back and cas just smiled. he thought castiel's gummy smile under the black lights was definitely something to appreciate.

 

in the next hour though, shit hit the fan. dean broke away from lisa for a minute to get outside for some fresh air. the alcohol in his system plus all the bodies in the room was making him hot. he immediately regretted his decision when he saw who else was out there.

 

alistair and his goons were dicking around with some fireworks they found, presumably from dean and sam's secret stash. dean was pissed. not only was this a violation of privacy, they also had the risk of the cops getting called if they made too much noise. and dean would rather die than have a bunch of pigs invade his party. he already had a distaste for alistair, so he didn't hesitate before smacking the lighter out of his hand and shoving him backwards.

 

"what the hell do you think you're doing?" dean boomed. now there were witnesses. alistair didn't flinch though, he simply puffed out his chest and bowed up to dean.

 

"whatever i _want_." he spat in his nasally voice.

 

"well this my party, so do everyone a favor and get the fuck out, asshole." dean narrowed his eyes.

 

alistair shoved dean now. "are you gonna make me?"

 

"i just might." dean didn't waste any more time, he went in for the first punch and landed a good right hook on the skinny boy's cheek. he held his face for a minute before throwing a punch that dean dodged. he knocked alistair's feet out from under him and stared down at the boy that pathetic kid beneath him.

 

"you wanna get the fuck out now?" dean growled. alistair looked up at him coldly.

 

"why would i leave? the fun was just getting started." he said before he pulled dean down and straddled his chest in one swift motion. he started throwing punches on dean's face, he bloodied his nose and busted his lip before dean used his legs for momentum to flip them over. before alistair knew what was coming, his face was being smashed into the dirt and dean's knee was digging into his back. at this point they had gathered a crowd, and people were cheering for dean. it'd be a lie if he said it didn't swell his ego a bit. he flashed them a smirk before giving alistair's head one good bash into the dirt. he got up and spit out some blood before turning to alistair's posse.

 

"get him out, and don't ever come back." once the words were out of his mouth he immediately recognized that those were very similar words to what he told his dad. he shook that thought from his head and raised his fist in the air in triumph, a gesture that the crowd rightfully hooted at. he made his way through the people and received several congratulatory claps on the shoulders.

 

dean made his way up the stairs, the living room was weirdly empty with all the people now in the backyard. a few couples were making out on the couches and one guy he didn't recognize was stuffing snacks in his face. probably the munchies if he had to guess, the house did smell faintly of weed.

 

he was searching for a bathroom when he heard it. he heard kissing sounds and soft moaning, and he followed the noise to... sam's room? he chuckled lightly and almost walked away before he heard a voice that was too familiar. he could've swore that last moan was lisa's.

 

he busted open the door without thinking. it couldn't be lisa right? she wouldn't do that. but sure enough, he saw her tangled mess of dark hair and immediately the world came crashing down around him. she shot up in the bed, holding the blanket to cover her torso. even in the dark he saw her wide, fearful eyes. the man next to her was a big one, and he seemed scared shitless too.

 

"lisa?" dean said harshly, incredulously.

 

"d-dean, i—" she started, but she was cut off by the man next to her.

 

"whoa! you didn't tell me you had a boyfriend! what the hell?" he was scrambling to get out of the bed while he was talking, getting dressed and slipping out the door extremely quickly. dean concluded that the guy was way too experienced at that, but he didn't dwell on it for too long before his attention was back to lisa.

 

"how could you?" he said, clenching both his fists to keep his temper.

 

"i just, i got drunk and—"

 

"oh god, if it's gonna be an excuse like that then don't bother. just go, lisa." she whimpered slightly, her lip quivering, and he could tell that she was about to beg him to stay. he wouldn't comply though. he was on a roll of kicking people out, and he didn't figure he'd stop soon. "GO!" he yelled, and that's when she burst into tears. she wailed, and dean didn't feel even a hint of pity for her. he threw some sweat at her she could wear and walked out of the room, slamming it in his wake.

 

tears blurred his vision. he knew he couldn't keep up this facade much longer. he knew his walls were gonna come crashing down soon. bad thing after bad thing kept happening to him and he questioned why the universe hated him so much. he stumbled down the stairs, grabbed a bottle of whiskey, and went to his favorite place to go. to escape.

 

the first thing he felt when he opened the window was the cold wind biting at his skin. all he was wearing on his top half was a short sleeved shirt. he didn't care though. he managed to climb out onto the roof without falling and he sat against the house, staring up at the stars.

 

"fuck you." he said to the sky before taking a big swig of his whiskey.

 

he didn't know how long he was alone on the roof, but it couldn't have been too long. he was only a fourth of the way through his bottle. he heard rustling beside him and didn't care to look. he heard someone say 'fuck' lightly and then a smack of something against the windowsill and then a loud 'ow' all in the span of three seconds.

 

he looked over and saw castiel, tousled dark hair and crooked glasses. looking like a dork if he was honest. cas had one leg out the window, one leg in, and his arms were full of blankets. he smiled that familiar smile at dean and dean found himself smiling back. he scooted over to make room and cas worked at making himself comfy. he covered dean with a big comforter and dean didn't realize just how cold he was until he was warm again. he leaned back to look at the stars once again.

 

"thank you." he whispered.

 

"you're welcome." cas whispered back.

 

it was quiet for a long time before dean decided to speak again. he loved the way castiel didn't push him to say anything, didn't want him to say anything. he was just there, and dean appreciated that so much. but despite all that, he spoke about what was bothering him anyways.

 

"did you hear she cheated on me?" cas laughed at that, bitter and short.

 

"kinda hard not to hear. everyone heard you yelling, and then when we saw a man leave out the door, lisa not far behind..." he trailed off, not sure what to say next. dean just took another long swig of whiskey and hissed as it burned his throat.

 

"it's not just that." he said after a while. cas moved to listen more closely. "my dad..." he started. "i kicked my dad out of the house about a week ago. i'm living with my uncle now." castiel didn't know what to say. he saw a tear glisten in the moonlight as it ran down dean's cheek and his heart hurt for the man. "it's just too much you know? i'm glad he's out of my life, but that's my dad. i can't stop it from hurting. it used to be so easy to pretend it didn't hurt but now..." dean thought back to all the times he had snuck out here, in this same spot, to get away from his problems. "this time is different." he punctuated that sentence with a sob, and he felt castiel's soothing hand rubbing up and down his back.

 

"let it out." castiel said in a way that was both gentle and firm. dean did as he was told and ugly cried. he was full on wailing, sobbing, sniffling. and all the while cas was there, rubbing circles into his back and whispering words of comfort at him.

 

"be right back." cas said softly when dean finally stopped crying. he was gone and back a second later, armed with baby wipes. he handed them to dean and he gratefully accepted, wiping the tears and dried blood and dirt and snot and god knows what else from his face and hands. he set the wipes aside when he was done, and flashed cas a grateful smile.

 

"dad always said i was a pussy." dean joked, trying to lighten the mood despite the truth behind the words. cas didn't seem to pick up on it though, and glared at dean with icy blue orbs.

 

"that's not true, dean. crying doesn't make you a pussy, and it doesn't make you girly."

 

dean didn't know he needed to hear that, but he did. that was the great thing about castiel's inability to understand sarcasm. because sometimes dean was only using the sarcasm as a mask. cas always bulldozed right through it.

 

"i know." dean finally said when he realized he'd been silent for too long. "i know."

 

castiel placed a gentle hand on dean's forearm, the other arm was busy cradling the whiskey he had managed to take from dean without him realizing.

 

and dean looked up at him.

 

and cas looked back at dean.

 

and it was like they'd seen each other for the first time.


	10. oh

charlie ended up spending the night at castiel's house after the party. they went home late, and charlie's exact words were "i call the bed, you can have the floor, loser." in a slurred, semi-intoxicated state (from both alcohol and exhaustion). castiel sleepily agreed and grabbed some blankets to bundle up in.

 

despite how tired he was, his thoughts seemed to have other ideas. he kept thinking about dean. it was like his viridescent eyes were burning themselves into his mind. he stared up at the ceiling fan that was swinging back and forth lazily from the draft and he thought about dean winchester. as one does.

 

he came to the conclusion that there was definitely something going on between them. that intense stare they shared on the roof was not platonic. he knew that for sure. but... were they soulmates? i mean they could be, but soulmates usually found out in a matter of a few days, if not as soon as they met each other. he and dean had been friends for weeks and the thought hadn't really crossed his mind. well, he thought dean was hot when he first saw him. but you'd have to be blind to look at dean-fucking-winchester and not think he's hot. blind, or a lesbian.

 

should he just go for it and test it? that would certainly give him a definitive answer. but what if they weren't actually soulmates? he'd die of embarrassment and never be able to talk to dean again. he sighed loudly. he suddenly realized he was very uncomfortable and got up irritably. he stripped down to his boxers and shook the crumbs out of his blanket. these thoughts were going to have to wait until tomorrow when he was well rested and sober. for now, he would cherish the warmth he felt in his chest when he thought about dean. he would let that warmth lull him to sleep.

 

~

 

he woke up the next morning to the smell of bacon and charlie ripping the blanket from him. he immediately shivered and at the same time charlie made a disgusted face.

 

"dude!" she yelled, laughing. "put some pants on and come down for breakfast." she walked off shielding her eyes as cas whined at the loss of warmth. he leaned over to check the time on his phone, which he noted was at 10%. it was 11:11. time to make a wish.

 

unfortunately, castiel was too tired to make a wish and merely grunted as he got up, rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, and fumbled around in his dresser drawers for a pair of pj's or sweats. he found some family guy pajama pants and ventured downstairs, too tired to care that he was leaving his top half shirtless. he walked down to see two different messes of red hair darting around the kitchen. he saw his sister reach around his best friend's waist and didn't miss the blush that briefly crossed charlie's cheeks.

 

he plopped down on a stool in front of the island and his entire being virtually demanded coffee. he squinted in the bright light of the morning, that wouldn't be all that bright if it weren't for his pounding headache. he realized he forgot his glasses upstairs. charlie, however, didn't seem to be at all affected by last night's antics.

 

"morning, beautiful!" she said teasingly to castiel's squinted eyes and disheveled hair. she clinked a cup of coffee on the table in front of him, black and bitter just the way he liked it. he showed her a genuine look of gratitude before taking a long sip, not caring how the hot liquid was uncomfortable on his tongue.

 

soon a plate of pancakes and scrambled eggs was set in front of him. he was surprised charlie and anna remembered what he liked. they must be in excellent moods today. he was blinking slowly and chewing halfheartedly through his meal, and he didn't even realize how quiet the table had gotten. charlie and anna were both sitting in front of him, stuffing food in their faces to avoid conversation. finally charlie had no more food left to distract her, and mustered up her false courage to ask a big question. cas could see through the nonchalant facade she was trying to pull off.

 

"so," charlie started, moving her body to look towards anna but not meeting the other redhead's eyes. "wanna test if we're soulmates?"

 

anna nearly spit out her coffee. nearly. she snorted and inhaled instead, resulting in the older girl coughing her lungs out and charlie awkwardly patting her back and castiel trying his absolute hardest not to laugh. once she got ahold of herself, she responded.

 

"uh, sure. why not?" charlie smiled and pulled a pen out of her pocket. she was trying really hard not to seem nervous and cas mentally applauded her for that, despite the fact that she wasn't pulling it off very well. she shakily traced a line on her wrist that was meant to be straight before setting the pen down. anna pulled her arm out and displayed her wrist for everyone to see.

 

and nothing was there.

 

they sat, staring at anna's arm for about 3 minutes before charlie finally spoke up.

 

"interesting." she said, soundly genuinely intrigued. "but, you felt it too right?"

 

"yes." anna said in a small voice while pulling her sleeve back down to cover her arm. "not one sided." she pointedly didn't meet charlie's gaze and quickly rose from the seat to clear her plate.

 

castiel watched the awkward interaction with wide eyes. charlie had balls, that was sure. he coughed and excused himself from the table before making his way back to his room. he threw on an old queen shirt before falling back on his bed. he could see dean's face every time he closed his eyes and it was driving him crazy.

 

a few moments later, charlie barged in and slumped into a bean bag chair.

 

"dude!" she said.

 

"dude." castiel agreed. he sat up to look at her. her eyebrows were furrowed like she was angry.

 

"i officially 100% give up on soulmate stuff. it's so stupid you know? how am i supposed to know when i meet that one special person? what if that special person lives in africa when i'm here? how do i know they even speak the same language as me? is there really only one person that's your soulmate, or can there be multiple? if there's only one, why do they always seem to be close to where you live? how fucking coincidental is that? none of this makes any fucking sense. soulmate stuff feels like some cruel joke that the god of this universe decided to play on us. i hate it. and to top it all off-" she stopped to catch her breath. "you even can't plan to meet with your soulmate through the skin writing stuff! science doesn't even know why, but you can't plan out to meet your soulmate, it happens whenever it happens. that's so fucking idiotic."

 

castiel was pretty shocked by what she had said. she didn't seem this upset downstairs. was she just masking it before?

 

after a few beats of silence hung thick in the air he scooted over and patted the space on the bed next to him. she slowly got up and walked over before laying down next to him, her head in his lap. he stroked her hair slowly.

 

"maybe you're right." he consoled.


	11. hurt

castiel's mental health was declining. he took charlie's words that day into deep consideration. how brokenhearted she was. what if... what if she was right? what if the soulmate stuff wasn't worth it?

 

he pushed all thoughts of soulmates, of dean winchester, out of his mind. he hit rock bottom. again. he needed to keep to himself and try to recover.

 

he soon realized that recovery was a lot easier said than done. he looked in the mirror at his greasy hair, bags under his eyes. he had been wearing the same clothes for days now and they were covered in food stains. he hadn't been to school since last week, and he kept having to erase messages from the school on the home phone so his brother michael didn't find out he was skipping. michael was always at work anyways. he didn't even come home to see anna when she visited. she assured castiel that it was okay, but he could see the lingering sadness in her eyes as she walked out the door to get in the car that would take her to the airport.

 

it was just cas and michael in the house. sometimes gabe would come visit, but not often. cas never saw michael, so he basically lived alone. it never bothered him until now. he was all alone with his intrusive and harmful thoughts. and the funny thing was that he hated being alone, but he refused to let anyone in. charlie had been blowing up his phone along with jo, and he had even received a couple concerned texts from dean. he didn't reply to them though. he turned his phone on silent and laid down on the bed.

 

the quiet consumed him. he turned on some music on full volume to try and drown it out. it wasn't working. he could feel himself getting closer and closer to collapsing.

 

tears were streaming down his face as he fumbled with his package of markers. he made an outline of his biggest butterfly yet, it took up his whole thigh almost. he looked at the colors and found the one he was looking for. green. he told himself he wouldn't think about dean anymore but he couldn't help seeing those green orbs every time he closed his eyes. adrenaline pumped through his veins as he got to work, using different shades of green and a little brown. making the butterfly warm and comforting because he desperately needed some comfort right now. he picked up the black marker and carefully wrote a single word above his artwork.

 

dean.

 

he waited. he waited for the pain to go away, for the itch to be satisfied like it always was.

 

but it was still there. nagging him, teasing him, ridiculing him. the tears fell faster now, his heart racing. he kept going, kept making more butterflies over and over again, praying for it to just please stop. a song then came on, one that he hadn't heard in a long time. it had a gentle guitar and the singer's voice was trembling with emotion.

 

_"if i'm to die before i reach you, please know i'm meant to love you._

_til i did."_

 

the words swelled into the room, the overcast sky outside casting a blue light onto the bed. he thought back to when he showed charlie this song when they sat in her basement playing call of duty and eating chicken alfredo pizza. she said it was too depressing and turned it off, but he always loved it.

 

_"tell my friends goodbye, tell my almost ex-wife that i loved her, and left her too soon."_

 

he looked down to the mess he'd made, the smudged marker ink all over every inch of skin he could reach. his eyes burned and he rubbed them harshly. he heard car horns honking angrily at each other outside and it was a gentle reminder that life would go on without him. it was a harsh reminder disguised as a friendly one. but it definitely reminded him. his thoughts were clouded and his vision became blurred with sadness.

_"oh i hope to be holding you soon. who knows what happens when i leave my room, oh i'm scared that you'll know what to do._

_if i'm to die before you."_

 

he was up and walking before he really knew what he was doing. he could feel his legs shaking underneath him as he reached into the drawer to find an old razor blade he had stashed. one he had tried to convince himself to flush, but with no luck.

_"give my family love. i would watch from above but i fear there is nothing but sleep."_

 

keeping the razors comforted him. he wasn't always suicidal, but the thought that if things got too hard, there was always a way out... it comforted him. so he kept them.

 

_"if i'm to drown in the deep sea that parts us, i once lived and loved. don't forget."_

 

he first started on his thigh. he made small little cat scratches and hissed at the pain. droplets of blood pooled over the cuts like beads on a necklace. then he moved on to somewhere different.

 

_"oh i hope to be seeing you soon."_

 

time was now moving in slow motion and he knew there was no going back from this once he started. some small part of his brain was begging him to stop but he just simply couldn't. the blood mixed from the ink from the markers as he kept going deeper and deeper. it seeped down and stained his shirt. he started near his elbow and as he drew closer to his wrist he was having second thoughts. but he kept going. he pushed through, and drove the blade deeper into his skin. he felt the blood gush out near his wrist and fell over at the sight. it was coming out fast. panic and regret filled his lungs but the calmness of death lulled him to shut his eyes. his breathing became shallow. from somewhere far away, he could swear he heard banging sounds. there was nothing he could do about it though. he sat motionless as the last words of his favorite song rang through his head.

 

_"if i'm to die before you._

_if i'm to die before you."_


	12. soulmates

dean was with bobby when he felt it.

 

he felt the tingling sensation on his thigh, it had grown to comfort him at this point. his soulmate, whoever they were, was a beautiful artist. he snuck into his room and looked down to see a giant butterfly outline being traced onto the skin. he sat and watched in admiration. it took a few minutes before it was finished, and just when he was about to leave and continue on with his day, he saw a word beginning to form.

 

he gasped loudly, tracing the word that had just been left. his own name. he looked again to the butterfly's colors and saw it resembled his own eyes quite well. only one person that wasn't jo knew him well like that, to know the exact color of his eyes.

 

 **cas**.

 

cas was his soulmate!?

 

he took a minute to try and process this information. his blood was pounding in his veins and breathing was heavy. he didn't have a lot of time to freak out, however.

 

the sensation continued. but this time it was more of a burning feeling, like he was being branded. sad, misshapen butterflies started to show up on the rest of his legs. the eventually his arms. even his stomach. a sinking feeling started to pool in the pit of dean's stomach. cas was in trouble, he could feel it.

 

before he could dwell on his thoughts anymore he was out the door and shouting at bobby that he'd be back, it was an emergency. he slid into the impala and slammed the door, turning the key in the ignition and not bothering with a seatbelt. he swerved wildly through the streets, trying to rack his brain and remember where cas told him he lived. he called charlie to be sure.

 

"howdy!" she picked up the phone enthusiastically.

 

"wheredoescaslive?" it came out as one word.

 

"huh?" her voice got serious once she realized dean was panicking.

 

"where does cas live?" he tried again, fighting hard to keep his voice steady. she gave him the address and he hung up without another word, punching the gas and trying to assure himself that it would be okay.

 

once he was about a block away from the address charlie had given him, his sense of urgency grew. bad shit was definitely going down, he needed to get in there and fix it. now. suddenly, a car he hadn't seen before cut him off at the intersection and he laid on the horn after slamming on the brakes. he didn't have time for this traffic. he abandoned the impala in favor of running to castiel's house on foot. it was in sight now, growing closer...

 

he heard the music coming from one of the upstairs windows of the house. he tried opening the front door, but it was locked. he started banging frantically.

 

"cas!!!" he shouted. "let me in! oh god, please let me in!" he backed up to try and slam into the door and break it open but it wouldn't budge. that was when he noticed a window next to it.

 

he pulled his shirt over his hand and punched the glass. it gave in eventually, but not before a few of his fingers were definitely broken. an alarm blared as soon as the glass was broken, but he ignored it. he reached his good hand in the window to unlock the door and as soon as he was in the house he bolted up the stairs to the room he had heard the music come from. sure enough, he saw castiel there. lying pathetically in a pool of his own blood. dean choked on a sob and rushed over to him. he scooped him up into his arms, the other boy's glasses falling off in the process. his eyes were still blue, but they felt different. more cold, icy, and lifeless.

 

"cas, no. please please please." castiel's head limply fell back and dean nearly screamed. he tried to remain calm though, and took out his phone to dial 911. he gave them the address and told them to hurry as fast as possible. as they waited for the ambulance dean checked cas's pulse. it was faint, but it was there.

 

"stay with me, cas. come on please." time was passing incredibly slowly and dean nearly couldn't take it anymore. finally, the sound of sirens grew closer and dean scooped castiel's body into his arms and took him outside. blood was still dripped from his wrist so dean made sure to keep pressure on it.

 

when the ambulance finally arrived, dean lied and said he was castiel's spouse so that he could ride with them. he took cas's cold hand and traced patterns on it, trying to keep his thoughts positive despite the circumstances.

 

~

 

cas spent a day in the hospital without really waking up. besides the times he thrashed in his sleep, mumbling things about "i killed all of them. i killed them. my butterflies, they're dead." but the nurses always rushed in quickly to give him more sedative.

 

dean stayed by his side the entire time. he called bobby and told him what happened so he came to sit with them as well whenever he wasn't at work. he owed an explanation to charlie, so he told her that cas was in the hospital without giving out too many details. she promised to visit as soon as school let out. but dean stayed no matter what.

 

his bladder was finally starting to get the best of him, though.

 

he let out a deep sigh and let go of castiel's hand before shuffling his chair out from under him and moving out to the hallway. he turned a corner searching for the bathroom and bumped into bobby.

 

"sorry." dean said shortly, his voice cracking since he hadn't been using it much lately. he moved to get around the man but was stopped short by a firm grip on his forearm.

 

"how are you doing?" he said gruffly. dean started to tell him he was fine but he was cut off as soon as he opened his mouth with "and don't you lie to me either, boy."

 

dean sighed and looked down at his feet.

 

"to be honest, i'm not doing too great bobby." a solitary tear slid down his cheek. "it's all too much. i feel like it's my fault." bobby scoffed at that.

 

"what a selfish thing to say." dean looked up at the older man with hurt eyes.

 

"i just mean... maybe if i had found out we were soulmates sooner, he'd be okay. maybe if i would've been there for him-"

 

"now i'm gonna stop you right there." bobby met dean's eyes and continued speaking in an authoritative tone. "he's suicidal, dean." dean flinched at the words. "suicidal people don't stop being suicidal just because they fall in love, or meet their soulmate, or whatever else. no matter what, this is the way things happened. there's nothing you can do to go back and change it. so my advice to you is to get in there and help him, and stop worrying about yourself. right now he needs you more than ever."

 

dean soaked up the words and slowly nodded his head. bobby let his arm go so he could go use the restroom. once he got back, he was greeted by a fully awake castiel. he cursed himself for not being there when he woke up.

 

"hey cas." dean moved forward cautiously. "how you feeling?" castiel yawned and rubbed his eyes. dean thought it was adorable. he moved to sit back in the seat right next to the bed.

 

"a little confused." castiel replied. "where am i?"

 

dean went through and explained how he got worried and called charlie to get his address before racing to his house. he told him how he found him passed out, skipping out on the gory details. castiel's eyes saddened as dean told the story. he had but one question.

 

"dean. how did you know i was in trouble?"

 

dean sighed and took off his jacket, revealing different sized deformed butterflies all up and down his arms. castiel gasped softly and looked down to his own arms, where the images were mirrored perfectly. he couldn't believe it.

 

"we're..." cas started. he began to cry. "we're soulmates." it came out barely above a whisper. dean nodded and got up to comfort him, he sat down on the bed next to his soulmate and ran a hand through his hair. he leaned down to press a kiss to his forehead.

 

"don't cry cas, please." dean said. "we'll get through this." green eyes met blue. "together."


	13. confrontations

castiel's recovery was slow. he was even put on suicide watch for a few days, and that was absolute torture. once the doctors decided he wouldn't try and kill himself anymore, he got to have visitors and his phone again. dean was back to being right by his side 24/7. one time, they were cuddling in the hospital bed and dean looked up to stare at the blue orbs he just couldn't get enough of. cas leaned in for a kiss, but dean turned away.

 

"not here." he said softly. "not in this hospital. i want our first kiss to be special." and cas thought it was weird, but he shrugged it off. just being as close to dean as he was, after spending so much time keeping his feelings locked up... it was heaven.

 

dean's hand was in a cast now from punching in the door. it was a constant reminder of that day, and what had happened was eating him alive inside.

 

"cas..." dean started.

 

"what, dean?" cas grumbled, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

 

"can we talk some more about what happened?"

 

cas sighed. all he really wanted to do at the moment was sleep, but he'd do anything for dean. he looked to his soulmate with a small smile. "of course."

 

dean sighed deeply. "let's start simple. what do the butterflies mean?" cas grinned at that.

 

"a long time ago, when i was twelve, i got really mad at my brother michael. so mad i couldn't even see straight. i can't even remember what he did to upset me." castiel's eyes glossed over as he reminisced. dean listened intently. "i took the anger out on myself." cas finally said. "the next day i went to school and had completely forgotten about it. i got on the bus without a jacket, and as soon as i sat down i looked at my arms and realized my mistake. i didn't know what to do, i was so scared that everyone would see." his voice broke and he was speaking softer now. "i went to charlie because she was my only friend. she was so supportive dean, i told myself i didn't deserve her. she gave me one of her hoodies. i still have it." he wiped a tear from his eye and sniffled.

 

"the next day she showed me this thing she found online, called the butterfly project. it had lots of different rules, but the main idea is that every time you felt like you wanted to hurt yourself, you drew a butterfly instead. and if you cut yourself before it faded, you killed the butterflies." dean made a sad sound in the back of his throat when he realized that's why cas was muttering about killing his butterflies in his sleep.

 

"oh, baby." dean said. both their eyes were watery with tears. dean reached up to wipe away a drop with his thumb as he caressed his soulmate's stubbly cheek. "another thing." dean said after a little while. "we're boyfriends now, right?"

 

cas actually laughed at him. "obviously." he said and ruffled his boyfriend's hair.

 

suddenly, there was a knock at the door. "come in!" cas said hoarsely while dean scrambled to get off the bed. a pretty nurse with long brown locks and big eyes walked in. her name tag said she was called tessa.

 

"you have a visitor, mister novak." cas tilted his head in confusion but gave permission anyways. dean excused himself to give cas and the mystery visitor some privacy.

 

castiel waited with baited breath before michael walked into the room.

 

"m-michael?" cas stuttered out. the older brother gave castiel a sad smile as he walked further into the room. he made his way slowly over to the same chair dean was sitting in before he left. he sat down and leaned forward, elbows on his knees. it was then that cas noticed the dark circles under his eyes, ones that matches castiel's perfectly. he looked so tired.

 

"i'm so sorry, castiel." michael said softly. "i should have been there for you more." cas shook his head vigorously.

 

"no." he said, voice breaking. "it's not your fault. please don't blame this on yourself."

 

"how can i not? i was never home. you needed me and i wasn't there. i wasn't even there when anna visited. i wasn't there when lucifer got arrested. i wasn't there when raph got that fancy job in nyc. i've never been there for any of you, and one by one you've left me and it's all my fault." he was crying now. not sobbing, but there was a steady flow of tears making tracks down his face.

 

"you've been working." cas said as he took michael's hand. "it's okay."

 

michael scrunched up his face and pulled his hand away, shaking his head. "that's another thing. i haven't been completely honest... it hasn't all been work."

 

castiel's jaw dropped. "then... then where have you been?"

 

michael came clean about his gambling addiction and castiel listened intently. he talked about how he'd be up all hours of the night and even in the day sometimes, putting his money into slot machines. "i always made sure you had money though. i always made sure you were surviving." he finally let out a sob. "turns out i couldn't even do that right." both boys were sobbing into each other's arms, crying until the ran out of tears. cas was comforting michael just as much as michael was comforting cas. it was a beautifully sad moment.

 

michael sniffed and leaned back to look at his brother, grasping his hand in both of his. "i promise to do better. we'll both get help, we'll reconnect the family. i can fix this." he finished determinedly. castiel nodded, believing him wholeheartedly.

 

when michael left and dean returned, cas realized he had cried quite a bit that day. he had planned on calling anna and charlie but he just was too exhausted emotionally. when he told dean this, his boyfriend just nodded his head understandingly. "i just wanna sleep." he concluded. dean agreed and climbed in the bed next to him.

 

just when cas was about to fall asleep, dean said something. "i think that's part of the healing process." he said. "knowing your limits." castiel smiled at that and drifted off into a peaceful slumber.


	14. firsts

going back to school was hard at first for both boys. dean was still having daddy issues, and cas was worried about the rumors of where he'd been. dean assured him though that the only people who knew about his hospital stay were him and charlie. so they went.

 

dean announced to his close friends (benny, garth, crowley, adam, and kevin) that he and cas were soulmates and they all congratulated them happily. castiel's smile was grand. soon charlie and jo joined them at dean's table and they were one big happy friend group.

 

dean and cas spent their lunches now getting to know each other better. the little things like favorite colors and books they liked to read mattered now. they talked about their project that they still hadn't finished, they talked about the butterflies and how dean said he found them at the most inappropriate times. they talked about how dean walked into school with a bruise that day and how castiel shared it, they made jokes about how their soulmateship should've been obvious at that point but apparently it wasn't. they talked forever, getting so absorbed in their own little world that they'd miss when the bell rang to signal the end of class.

 

charlie and jo had broken up, but were still friends apparently.

 

"i've started to think that relationships just aren't for me." she said thoughtfully to cas when he asked her about it. "but i do love me some pussy though." cas smacked her arm and rolled his eyes before they both bursted into a fit of laughter.

 

it didn't make things awkward at the table, somehow. they said it was a mutual agreement.

 

dean and castiel were walking down the hall, hand in hand, before someone shouted from behind "get a room, losers!" dean turned around and was about to give the stranger a piece of his mind before cas cut him off.

 

"gabe?" he asked.

 

"the one and only." the short stranger said with a wink. castiel turned to his boyfriend.

 

"dean, this is my cousin, gabriel. he's in tenth grade. gabe, this is dean." dean shook his hand with narrowed eyes.

 

"so." gabe crossed his arms and looked dean up and down. "you're cassie's new boyfriend. you know, you two are the talk of the school. you've got the whole popular-kid-falls-in-love-with-the-antisocial-kid thing. it's got cliché written all over it." cas was about to cut him off and say that it didn't matter what he thought because they were soulmates, nothing would break them up, but before he could open his mouth gabriel continued speaking. "i approve." he said finally, and started walking away before taking one last look at dean. "only because your brother's such a fine piece of ass."

 

and then before anyone knew it dean was chasing gabriel down the hallway, the sound of laughter and sneakers screeching against tile rounding the corner.

 

> ~

 

bobby insisted on having a little get-together to celebrate cas getting out of the hospital, despite dean's protests. they dug up his and sam's secret stash of fireworks, the same ones alistair was messing with at that party. the party felt like a long time ago, but in reality it was only a couple weeks. dean loaded them into the impala and took off to bobby's.

 

the only people there were bobby, ellen, jo, dean, sam, castiel, michael, gabriel, and charlie. they wanted to keep it strictly family (charlie was definitely considered family at this point) as to not overwhelm cas. he was grateful.

 

the fun started as soon as the sun went down. ellen was grilling burgers, and bobby started to mess around with the fireworks. someone, presumably gabe, was playing music from his car speakers. every time he got anywhere near sam, dean would give him some serious side eye, but other than that they had lighthearted fun.

 

dean and cas were wrapped up in a blanket, sitting in the bucket loader of bobby's tractor. they had a beautiful piece of land. there were lots of green trees in most directions, but there was a small cliff where you could see a lake far down below. it was a bit chilly but it was one of the warmer nights they'd seen lately, and if you listened closely you could hear bugs chirping all around. dean had to remind himself that he lived here now, that he could see all of this whenever he wanted to. although there was one thing that made tonight extra special...

 

he looked over to cas and saw the light from the fireworks shine off his glasses. he smiled warmly at his boyfriend who was so absorbed into the light show that it was adorable. he brushed some hair behind cas's ear to get his attention, and cas was snapped out of his trance. he looked up to dean expectantly.

 

"i can't believe it took me so long to find you." dean said.

 

"don't say that." castiel replied. "we found each other at the perfect time. just when you needed me, i was there. and just when i needed you, you were there too. it was perfect." dean smiled fondly yet again, thinking back to all the times he and cas had been there for each other. subconsciously, he cupped castiel's cheek. he leaned in closely, and he could feel cas's hot breath on his face. finally, he closed the gap. yes it's cliché to say fireworks went off, but fireworks were LITERALLY blowing up behind them. they kissed long and slow, and everything about it was absolutely wonderful.

 

"you were right." cas said when they finally broke apart. "i'm so glad we didn't have our first kiss in that hospital." dean chuckled and so did cas and soon they burst out laughing at each other. gabe changed the song to "all star" by smash mouth and that ensued more laughter and before they knew it, everyone was singing along. quite loudly, actually. it was a good thing bobby didn't have any neighbors.

 

~

 

dean and cas were laying in dean's bed when he got the text.

 

 **john** : are you fucking serious? you think you can just kick me out of my own home and then leave it a disaster? i don't know where you are, kid. but when i find out you're gonna be in trouble.

 

dean frantically shot up out of bed and shook castiel's shoulder to wake him up. "cas. cas!" cas grumbled unhappily but woke up nonetheless. "look!" dean shoved the phone in his face. he was hyperventilating and pacing around the room while castiel read.

 

"dean, i think you need to calm down a bit-"

 

"calm down!?" dean's voice raised a couple octaves. he kinda sounded like a girl.

 

"come here, dean." cas said sternly. dean sulked over to the bed and sat next to his boyfriend. "a beautiful man once told me that we could get through anything together." he started at the ceiling thoughtfully before turning back to dean, not missing the blush that crossed his cheeks at the compliment. "do you still believe that, dean?"

 

dean nodded dumbly.

 

"okay then. let me see your phone."

 

they spent the next hour constructing the perfect reply. it seemed so much smarter to do this by text, because your thoughts weren't clouded by emotions and you could say everything you wanted to say. the end product went something like this:

 

 **you** : fuck off, loser. i may have trashed your house but you ruined mine and sam's entire lives. i'm glad you don't know where we are, you'll never find out. you were the absolute worst at being a father. you hit me, for god's sake. in front of sam! not to mention all the times you got drunk, all the times you had us tiptoeing around you. kids aren't supposed to be scared of their parents.lose my number, go find another family to ruin. i'm happy without you.

 

dean sighed contentedly when he hit send. he was still pretty anxious, but he trusted cas. he loved him.

 

and he knew that he was right. they fit together like puzzle pieces and made an amazing team. he felt invincible next to cas, and he knew they would be together forever.


	15. castiel’s birthday (epilogue)

cas and dean woke up for school that day in the same bed. they had been dating for a couple of months, and things were going amazingly well. they rarely slept separately, either dean was at michael's house or cas was at bobby and ellen's.

 

michael and cas had made it their mission to get the whole family back together. so far, the only one they couldn't get ahold of was raphael. but lucifer, anna, castiel, and michael had all forgiven each other and gone through the big family group hug. lucifer still had to wear a house arrest ankle monitor, but that was unimportant information.

 

john never texted dean back after that night. he never called bobby either. it was like as far as sioux falls was concerned, john winchester didn't exist. and they all liked it better that way.

 

cas made sure to take his daily antidepressant that the doctor had prescribed him. he was on meds now as well as going to therapy once a week. he felt he was on the right track.

 

as dean and castiel walked out, they slapped the top of the doorframe. it was tradition, because taped up there was the sketch that cas drew of dean and lisa months back. except in the place of lisa's face, a derpy picture of cas was cut and glued on top. they made it as a joke, and even now they still laughed when they saw it. maybe the funniest thing was that it looked like cas had boobs.

 

they got in the car with sam and drove off. they picked up charlie on the way, as well as grabbed donuts for everyone at the shop. they rolled into school and dean threw an arm around cas's shoulders as soon as they stepped out, munching on a glazed donut with the other hand.

 

"it's your birthday today." dean observed.

 

"mhm." cas replied, not thinking much of it.

 

"it's also the day our project is due."

 

"mhm." cas replied again, not sure what he was getting at.

 

they walked into class and sat in their usual seats, dean setting his chair down next to cas with a loud thud like he always did. he never changed.

 

the lights dimmed and some students got up to do their video presentations. only one group sang a song, and it was an absolutely hilarious banana-themed parody of "ignition" by r. kelly. finally, it was dean and castiel's turn.

 

"don't hate me." dean said out of anxiety.

 

"what?" cas replied. "why would i hate you?"

 

"just watch. but don't hate me."

 

the lights dimmed once again and dean gave mrs. macleod a short nod, signaling for her to go ahead and play it. she smiled and hit play, and castiel's jaw immediately dropped.

 

it wasn't anything that they had worked on in the past month. to be fair, they hadn't done a lot of working. they kind of threw something together last minute. but cas was sure it was nothing like this.

 

it was all pictures of him and dean. him and dean on their first dates, the pictures they snuck of each other when they first woke up, the snapchat videos they took when they zoomed in randomly on each other's faces. a lot of them had dean in them, which is what stunned cas the most since he was so adamant on being the "cameraman" and not being in the video at all. maybe he had changed, but in a good way.

 

the song playing in the background was one he had only heard a few times before. it was "i'm not okay" by weathers. they had heard it on the radio in the car and castiel joked about how perfectly it captured their relationship. he didn't know dean had listened so well.

 

soon he was crying, eyes blurred from

the happy tears. he couldn't believe this. dean was too perfect. the last few seconds were a message to him, and only to him, and he had such mixed emotions. embarrassment that everyone in the class was watching him read it and adoration for his boyfriend.

 

"cas,

i can't thank you enough. i might not be here if you hadn't climbed out onto the roof that night. you deserve the world, and i'll get it to you one day, i promise. but for right now, i hope you enjoyed this cheesy video.

happy birthday baby."

 

the room was filled with assorted "awww" sounds as everyone looked back at dean and cas. castiel blushed profusely and buried his face into dean's chest, gripping his shirt. he felt his boyfriend's chest rise and fall with laughter and he felt him pat the back of his head.

 

when class ended, they walked out, cas still blushing. as soon as they were out of sight of any teachers, cas stood on tiptoes so he could give dean a peck on the lips. now dean was blushing as well.

 

"that was awesome." cas said. "best birthday gift ever." dean scratched the back of his neck nervously.

 

"oh it was nothing. just wait til you see what i've got planned for after school."

 

cas's jaw dropped for the second time that day. "there's more!?" he said, disbelieving.

 

"yep." dean said proudly.

 

~

 

castiel had been wanting a tattoo for a while now. dean would catch him drawing up different sketches of big, elaborate pieces. but he decided that for their first tattoos, they should get something simple.

 

dean ushered cas into the impala after school that same day, making sure sam had another ride home. as soon as they were in the car dean reached behind the seat to grab a bandana he stashed back there.

 

"tie this around your eyes." he held it out, and castiel took it confusedly. "i wanna keep it a surprise." cas nodded slowly before taking off his glasses and tying the makeshift blindfold around his head. and then they set off down the road.

 

about half an hour later, dean pulled up next to a little hole in the wall tattoo shop called meg's. it wasn't all for looks, but it had super high ratings online.

 

"okay." dean turned to his boyfriend when he turned off the car. "you can take off the blindfold now."

 

cas did as he was told and put his glasses back on. it took a few minutes before his eyes adjusted to the light, but once they did and he read the sign he gasped and brought both his hands to his mouth.

 

"I'M GETTING A TATTOO!?!?" he basically squealed. dean's eyes lit up and the corners crinkled with genuine happiness. in all honesty, he was terrified of needles. but he'd do anything for cas. they'd already established that.

 

"no, we're getting tattoos." if it was possible, cas looked even more excited, and in a split second he was out of the car and dragging dean with him.

 

they walked in to see a shorter woman with long dark hair, dressed in a tight fitting purple tank top and a leather jacket.

 

"how can i help you today?" she said smoothly.

 

"we have an appointment under winchester." dean replied, taking castiel's hand. it was obvious he was nearly about to jump out of his skin from excitement.

 

"ah," she nodded. "right this way then, i'll be tattooing you."

 

they were going to get matching butterfly tattoos, about the size of a kennedy half dollar coin on each of their wrists. dean's was going to be the color of cas's eyes and vice versa. it was corny, but when you were guaranteed not to break up with somebody you could basically do whatever you wanted.

 

castiel went first, and when he had to roll up the sleeve of his hoodie he could see the scars. he was surprised to find out that looking at them didn't bother him nearly as much as it once did. meg didn't even bat an eye, and for that he was grateful. for him it didn't hurt at all.

 

dean on the other hand was a little trickier. meg could tell that he was nervous by the way his face paled when he realized it was his turn. she tried to make small talk, asking the two when they met and other normal tattoo talk. he recalled some pretty funny stories, most notably how he convinced himself he didn't even want to be around cas for a little while. before he knew it, it was over.

 

they turned out absolutely beautiful, more so than either of them imagined. when dean went up to pay, he made sure to leave a pretty hefty tip.

 

they grabbed burgers and pie on the way back and jammed out to the rolling stones with the windows down. the sun was setting over the horizon of the small town and everything felt so surreal.

 

"you know," cas started talking once they rolled back into town and had to turn the music down. "if you would've told me a couple years ago that i'd be here, eating burgers and watching the sunset with the love of my life after getting matching tattoos, i would've laughed in your face."

 

dean smirked and nodded. "i feel you there. i never thought i'd make it past high school."

 

"and look where we are!" cas said enthusiastically, his eyes full of life. "a couple more months and we're done with school completely!" he licked burger grease off his fingers and dean watched in admiration. "i don't know about you, but i don't feel like quitting life any time soon."

 

they had stopped at a red light, and dean reached over to grab his boyfriend's hand. "i'm never letting this go." he said seriously. cas broke out into a wide grin, lettuce between his teeth.

 

"i can't wait to spend forever with you." he said.

 

"me neither." dean replied.

 

then the light turned green, and they were off.


End file.
